I never really had friends so gradually became accustomed to myself and liked it more than any body else. Never too good in studies, last one to be chosen in a sports team, too shy with the girls, easy victim to bullies, I was this nice decent kid who no one hated. No wonder I don’t have much childhood memories. Erased subconsciously. Closest I felt that time was to my grandfather. He told me stories, asked me questions and introduced me to spirituality. Although now when I meet him, he seems this whole different person and somehow I feel as if I had an imaginary friend.
At age five I went to a boarding school. It wasn’t that painful, allowed me to like myself, I was being prepared to know the real meaning of detachment. With minimum marks in high school I went to Delhi. There was no way I would have got admission in a regular college so settled for a correspondence course. Dad wanted me to become a chartered accountant so I registered for the course and like a horse blinded by his mask tried to live my narrow life one step after another.
And then one day I fell in love and everything changed. I started to like my self like never before. Life seemed beautiful and my behavior became impulsive, instinctive and erratic. It did good to me, broke my inhibitions but so it was breaking my shell too.
“A heart break is necessary for your growth” I had heard. Now I was experiencing it. She never loved me back or may be she did but I chose not to see it. But why do I not blame her? She never admitted it. And for a long time I didn’t do it either. Like a tortoise I caved in. I liked the feeling of sadness, loneliness and longing. There’s a joy in suffering, I learnt. This addiction was stripping my soul to it’s core.
When no where left to go, you go within. I slowly realized she was just an instrument to my unfolding. True love was yet to come.
A dream was in the process of being dreamt. Winds of change were taking me to America, a place where my stories will take shape……..but till then I was like that boat longing for the sea and yet afraid, yet afraid.