Did I always wanted to do this? or was it another escape another illusion ? One thing for sure, my heart longed for it. What lies deep within somehow manifest through our actions. After my Diksha I was accepted in the group, two days from now we’ll be leaving Varanasi and proceeding towards the origin of river Ganga, in the Himalayas. I suddenly felt lighter, in body and spirit. For long I have been trying hard to make my life work, now I wanted to let it flow. It was my first lesson from the river.
I know I am not a bad person, nobody is. In root we are all divine, yet I know I have caused grief to people who loved me, maybe still causing now with my sudden disappearance. Ever wonder if you could see you own death? Creating a void and witness how others react to it. Who would really miss me? My wife who had long left me tired of my eccentric ness, how would she react? I am sure she must have known about it by now. Another escape or self-indulgence of my narcissist behavior, she must be thinking.
Live you must, right or wrong, who knows? Who decides? There’s no strength to justify my actions. I accept. I am.
It wasn’t that difficult to fit in this new world of renunciates. I could sense their skepticism yet no body bothered me. Nine are the Avtaras of Vishnu and nine are us in the group. Lead by Baba, the eldest one and followed by Gopala the youngest and most restless one. Most of them were quite old and usually lost in their own world of singing, chanting and smoking. Gopala, with mischievous little eyes, short height, plump face, barely in his twenties, was curious and I knew he paid special attention to me. Today in the temple it was he who got food for me when I couldn’t gather courage to go and ask from the devotees who distributed in a celebration of fulfillment of a desire. “Not everybody has the opportunity to give so bless him by receiving.” Said Gopala. I was pleasantly surprised. He came out to be wiser than I thought. With thankfulness I accepted and we ate in silence. “So what do you search for?” Gopala broke the silence in an attempt to be familiar. “Do we all not search for the same thing ?” I smiled “what? Enlightenment?” “If that is what you want to call it?” “Hmmm munde munde matir bhinna” “Whats that?” “Various heads various ideas.” We both laughed. I after ages. It felt good.
On the third day, when the moon was full, city was asleep. We nine started our journey towards the north. Like river, I knew, let it go, let it flow, life knows.