I felt naked, standing before the entire auditorium filled with people. It was screening of my first film. Never felt so uncomfortable, vulnerable, or anxious. Knowing that everybody will now know me, will know my insecurities, my fear, my love, my passion and my truth through my film. There was no escape.
I always liked the Zen approach to the filmmaking. Living and discovering the moment as you go. Like a sculptor, who finds a mass of stone, feels it, caresses it and takes it’s permission to make sure it was ready to take the shape of his dream. He doesn’t know what he is going to make but allows the creation to reveal itself, with every stroke. Now same happened with me in making the film or writing this story. Sometimes obscure when I am not in tune with myself, but mostly gratifying when it naturally flows as if waiting to be born. Recently I have been thinking too much thus blocking the energy flow and result to which the breakdown happened. Like an internal disease you don’t realize it till it is quite late. Heart feels the symptoms but mind refuses to accept it and finds another excuse not to see it till it becomes so evident that there’s no other option but to cut it off.
Body covered in ashes, hair grown long and matted, beard covering most of the face accept my two lonely searching eyes. It was easy to become a Sadhu, all you needed was an appearance. Longing still felt, attachment was still there, sense of pride still existed, just the appearance changed and this itself was the biggest obstacle in my search.
We had started towards our final journey, to the source from where Ganga emerged. I had quite lost interest by now and it just felt going to another tourist spot. Mind divided again yet feet kept walking. Gopala had sensed my restlessness, the way he smiled gave it all, yet he never intervened.
Gangotri, the divine place, a small heaven it was. Felt the cold clear water of Ganga on my face and my entire being got cleansed. Sat on it’s bank, meditated, slept, stared, slept again and then again meditated. On the third day, with the first ray of sun, I got up and walked towards the woods as if guided by an inner force. Not for a moment did I look back at my sleeping friends. When reached deep in the woods, with no trace of any existing path, I suddenly stopped. Right in front of me, not more than 200 meters away, partially hidden in the bushes, was a majestic, beautiful Bull. It stared right at me, unmoving and I did the same to him. After moments which felt like ages, my body became limp, my eyes drooped and I felt completely drained and exhausted. I tried to keep my eyes open but in vain, my head spinning, my knees week I was about to fall in the ground when for a flash of a moment I saw the bull open its mouth, as if it smiled and then I fell down and everything went dark.